December 15th is a hard day for me.

On December 15th, 2011 (2 yrs today) I lost my cousin/sister to liver/colon cancer at the age of 43.  All childhood memories I have of are of us together.  Today as I sit here with a heavy heart, I try to smile through the tears.  I know she would not want me to be sad.  But its very hard.  I remember the last time I saw her before she knew she was sick.  She came over and we were sitting outside just shooting the breeze and having quality time together.  It didn't happen enough.  Life got in the way.  She was a teacher, a wife, and a mother of three girls and even through we lived like 5 minutes away from each other it certainly wasn't like when we were young and joined at the hip.  Like I said Life got in the way.

We only had her from diagnosis to her passing for 6 months, but I was by her side more then than I had been before diagnosis.  Do I feel guilty about that?  Absolutely.  Why?  Why did I not stop over more? Why were other things so more important?  Why was she always busy with married life and motherhood?  Why was I?  We could have made more of an effort.  Met once a week for coffee.  Gone shopping...hell, even just sit on the back porch and talk, like my last memory of her before her illness.  I guess I could go on with the Whys forever.  But will it bring  her back..no.

All I do know is that even though technically we were cousins, she was my daughters Godmother and the sister I never had (we both had brothers).  And I know that I did all I could after she got sick to just be there.  Even if I couldn't ease her pain, or make her better.  I was there, to listen to her, to hold her hand as she cried, to laugh with her on her better days.

So even though it was the hardest thing I have ever encountered to date (to have to watch her fight for her life), I was there. And I wouldn't change a thing during that time.  We shared a bond that I don't think anyone could understand unless they lived our lives.  Oh the memories we shared.  It was always us against the boys (our brothers) and when we got older it was still us against the boys (our boyfriends)!  There was nothing that I could not tell her even though looking back I wish I had told her more.

So during this holiday season, and everyday actually. Always remember that life is a fickle thing.  You never know when it will end.  So ALWAYS tell your loved ones you love them.  Even if they don't want to hear it, or think you say it too much, or it embarrasses your kids. Who cares! TELL THEM.  Because you never know when your last goodbye will be.

And for others who have lost people.  Keep them alive in your hearts forever.  I fund raise and walk for cancer research and a cure every year in her memory.  I promised her in her last moments that I would.  That I will never give up.  I will never give up.  I will never give up.

My life will never be the same.  Her death has changed me as a person.  I call people more often just to check on them, I surround myself with family. I try to be the kindest, most caring person I can be.  I now live my life thinking "How do I want to be remembered?"  That is now my motto.  I am human and I make mistakes like everyone else, but I know when I visit my cousin's grave or talk to her at night when I am alone and feeling lonely or down.  She is there and she is listening and I would like to believe that she is proud of me.  As I am proud, proud that I got to call her "mine" for 43 yrs.  R.I.P. Carrie.  You will NEVER be forgotten.  You are my angel now and even though I cannot see you, I know you are with me always.

So sometimes I will (as I am now), cry for you.  Cry for me.  I will also smile and laugh remembering all the crazy and fun times we had together.  So if I cry, don't be sad...I am doing my best.  And I know you are saving a place in Heaven for me.  I love you.  Now, Always, Forever.